Part of the ADHD experience for me is lacking the ability to stop and rest regularly. Usually, it’s a case of keeping going full pelt til I hit burnout, then melt into a puddle for a while to recharge.
But even then, I refuse to allow burnouts to last too long, because my to do list is actually endless.
Last week though, I didn’t have much choice. I had a pretty nasty tummy bug which meant three days in bed (admittedly I still did some client work when I could, as one client released her book yesterday, and things had to happen) but I didn’t push myself too hard or get annoyed with myself for doing nothing. By Friday, I was getting a bit annoyed though, because though I was starting to feel better, the lack of food for a week meant I was too shaky to do much, my energy levels were super low.
But apparently the universe thought I needed to chill for a week, I just wish there could have been a less painful way! But if it hadn’t been painful, I probably wouldn’t have stopped.
So I feel like I need to learn how to rest and relax more often, so I don’t get ill like this. I started to look at how I could cut down on my workload, and I quit a volunteer position that I had done for over a year, that I did because I wanted to help, but took up a lot of time, that truthfully, I never had to begin with. I intend to try to keep simplifying things, so that I can get to the point where I switch off from work and even social media in the evenings, or for one day a week. Where I do something fun or random, just for myself.
Because being self-employed means I never switch off. And I think I need to learn to. Though here I am, before 9am on a Sunday, answering client emails and writing a blog post about how I need to learn how to relax.
The irony isn’t lost on me, I promise.
I still have a ways to go, but I do hope to get there, because I most certainly do not want to repeat the last week!
Managed to sew this lil creature while in bed binging tv shows. Her name is Ava, she was the Christmas surprise animal by Coolcrafting.
So I wrote this whole blog post in my head while in the shower and drying my hair, and now I don’t remember a word of it.
I very eloquently summed up what it felt like to desperately want to do something, but being completely incapable of it.
That’s how I feel about writing most of the time. The ideas are stacked up, the characters are impatient, my readers are waiting, and yet, the ability to sit and type the words that are flowing to me through the ether is the hardest possible thing to do.
My ability to hyperfocus has unfortunately disappeared.
Instead, the desperate need for a dopamine hit, any hit, takes over and I find myself mindlessly scrolling through terrible videos and checking out so completely that I’m not even aware of the time or where I am.
I do believe that hormonal changes in the last three years are the main culprit of my complete lack of attention span, but I’ve never had much attention span and have always had the memory of a goldfish. The main difference now is that I know why, and I cut myself some slack now.
I never used to. I used to push myself hard to get things done, even when I lacked the motivation. I never accepted any physical issue to be an excuse to miss deadlines. Or even any emotional or mental issue. I have written parts of my novels while sobbing at 3am. You probably know which parts.
I do wonder if I could have kept up my consistent output of publishing two books a year if the sales had kept increasing consistently. But at the end of 2018, Amazon changed their algorithms and sales pages, my sales slumped, and I lost my mojo for it all.
Writing and publishing my books no longer gave me the much needed dopamine hits, and in fact, drained what little dopamine I had. I got much more satisfaction from helping other authors to publish, and so my attention shifted to that. I’ve published dozens of books in the last 6 years, but only 6 of my own.
Which might sound like a lot, but it’s half of my output previous to that. (And one was a quote book, one was a poetry book and three were children’s novels, so indeed far less writing than normal).
I don’t know how to find the joy in writing again. Perhaps I need to change my medium, use my typewriter, or go back to pen and paper. But the idea of typing it all up after does not appeal! Unfortunately, dictation is out of the question. It seems that the act of typing the words (or handwriting them) is my method. When I try to verbalise the story flowing through, it ends up in the ‘he says this, then she replies, then they do this’ format, as opposed to actual dialogue and action.
Bizarre, I know, but true.
I found writing to be a bit easier in Morocco. It seems the sunshine provided enough dopamine for me to be able to focus better. But I haven’t written more than 1000 words since I got back, 10 days ago, and I had promised myself that I would get book 11 done by the end of this month.
Old me would move heaven and earth not to break that promise.
Current me is just tired. And in need of sunshine!
My favourite photo from Essaouira. It was 30°C that day!
So I’ve been back in the UK for a few days now, and already I can feel my body’s desperation for dopamine. So I googled the link between sunshine and dopamine, and yes! It’s a thing.
While in Morocco, getting daily doses of sun, my need to impulsively spend and eat an abundance of sugary snacks was greatly lessened, and my concentration was greatly improved.
Now back in the cold grey, I find myself snacking constantly and desperate to buy things or make things or binge watch TV to get a hit.
Maybe this is what my favourite psychic meant when he told me way back in 2004 that I needed to live somewhere hot…
I know you might not have followed this blog years ago imagining it would turn into an info dump on ADHD, but I believe there is a strong link between being an Earth Angel and having ADHD, Autism or other health issues (mental and physical) so I do hope you will stick with me!
I didn’t get book 11 finished while in Morocco, but I am still determined to get it written and published soon, because it feels like the time is just right for it!
I am currently publishing 4 books for other authors, which takes up a fair amount of computer time, but I plan to get book 11 finished by the end of this short month, because in March I have lots of events booked in, and will be busy selling my Magic Letterpress wares! Will also be taking my books to an event in Swansea for Women in Publishing, which should be fun. I do love to network.
I will keep you updated on progress, do keep an eye on my Instagram (@michellegordonauthor) and on Not From This Planet’s Instagram for release dates, new books, etc.
Here’s another blue skies pic to help you get through the grey skies!
It has been an age since I last wrote to you, and for that I apologise. The time has slipped by so fast, that I find myself looking around, slightly dazed, wondering what happened to the last decade.
Because for the last decade, I have spent much of my time in love with, and addicted to, my twin flame. Yes, addicted. Because the love I feel for them is a drug, they are my only vice. (Aside from sugar) And it is in no way healthy.
So I wanted to reach out to you, dear flame, and tell you about a course that I find myself doing, that has made me realise that I cannot spend another moment compromising my needs for that of my flame. That I need to find a way, somehow, to move on and find a soul who reciprocates and wants to make my needs as important as his own, who can appreciate my love and support.
Now, I am well aware that I have said this many times before, and I’m not sure how I will be able to do this, but I wanted to mention the course I’m doing, because it is making me really get that it is absolutely necessary.
Thanks to ADHD, I have signed up to many a course and never actually watched it, but this time, I have been watching the videos and making notes. Because I need this information to sink in, I need to be strong enough to do this, for my own sake (and for the sake of all those who love me). Because I cannot go into a new decade in this limbo.
And neither should you.
There is so much love, laughter and joy beyond the connection you have with your flame. I know there is for you, because I know there is for me. Please don’t get to 13 years later and wonder what on earth you were waiting for.
Live now. Follow you mission, your passion, your excitement, now.
It won’t be easy, and I have no idea if I can actually do it myself. But I’m rooting for you (and for myself) because you are so worthy and deserving of a deep, true and beautiful love.
It will feel like the world is ending, but it is not, I promise. It is only just beginning, and the world needs your light more than ever before.
So here is it, the first, and hopefully not last, post of 2024. I can’t think of a title right now, so I’m hoping one will emerge by the end of the post!
I’ve been thinking about how much I berate myself for not getting enough done. For having no enthusiasm or mojo to write, to market my books, to make money, to hustle. The last four years have been pretty tough on those fronts. I feel like my batteries ran out and I didn’t recharge properly, so now I am in a constant battle of not enough energy and no time to recharge.
As well as the pandemic madness that we all experienced, I have come to two realisations in the last couple of years. One, that I have ADHD. And two, I am perimenopausal. Now the latter is what made the former so much more obvious, which is what seems to happen in females, which is why so many older females are now being diagnosed. The change in hormones makes the ADHD symptoms so much more obvious, and then when we realise, we can then see that it was there all along from childhood, we were just very good at masking and overcompensating for it.
So when I consider just how much I have managed to achieve, in spite of the extra layer of difficulty, I should feel proud. But instead, I just feel irritated that for the last few years I have struggled to find any motivation at all to write or to market my existing books. My focus and ability to concentrate is shot to pieces. I was blaming it on my addiction to my smart phone, but I think there’s a lot more going on than that. I have been taking supplements that are helping, and I’m looking into natural hormonal support, but it’s very much an inside job, after my doctors brushing off my perimenopausal enquiries with – you’re too young for that. Sigh.
Writing has always been my favourite past time, my kind of therapy, to explore other worlds and get lost in a reality of my choosing, but recently it feels like a slog, and I hate that. In need of some sunshine and inspiration, I decided to spend a month in Morocco. I didn’t bring any creative crafty things to do (aside from one tiny crochet project) hoping that not having my hands busy would mean that I would get bored enough to write. But instead, I find myself scrolling through Instagram and generally wasting time doing nothing.
But in an effort not to continually berate myself, I have so far managed about 5k words, and I am determined to finish Book 11 in the Earth Angel Series while I am here, so that I can set a publishing date for that this year.
Though, now that I have said that, I’m worried that I have made another promise that I won’t keep, especially considering I said that the book was ‘Coming soon’ about four years ago.
All I can say is, I will try my absolute best to get it done, and I am going to try not to berate myself so much, and considering it has been cloudy today, I am not going to tell myself off for spending every moment I can in the sun while I am here, because I seriously need the vitamin D!
Hmm, still no idea what to call this post, but here is a photo of Morocco to either make you feel warm inside or to make you feel jealous. You choose which one it is! Oh, and if you want to follow my Moroccan adventures, follow me on Insta – @michellegordonauthor and look for the stories!
So I managed a grand total of two blog posts this year… wow. I wanted to recap the year to prove that I wasn’t just lazing about, but it’s been such a crazy year, this may take me a while!
I miss the days when I blogged regularly, and it was a diary of sorts. I could check when I released books or attended events. But ah well!
So the highlight reel of 2023-
I moved from my studio into a new shop unit in Bastion Mews, where from July to Christmas, I ran Wish You Were Here, Letterpress Studio & Lifestyle Store. I ran workshops and sold handmade crafts as well as my cards and prints. It was a massive learning curve, and after six months, I hadn’t had any people wanting to print on a regular basis and share the space, and I couldn’t keep it up on my own, so I decided not to renew my lease, and put everything in storage.
I finished writing The Magical Dragon Mirror and released it in July, with the official release taking place at the Legendary Llangollen Faery Festival in August.
I made a lot of pants, in a variety of mad fabrics! I also made some leggings and sweatshirts, and hope to make lots more.
I attended many markets, print fairs, craft fairs and wayzgooses selling my wares, and had a fabulous time! Particularly loved the monthly market at the Fold in Bransford.
I helped to organise and run the Harry Potter experience at Hereford Cathedral for the official Harry Potter book night. Had a lil too much fun battling Snape!
I made lots of creatures, some knitted, some sewn, some crocheted. You could say it was the year of the creature making for me! I made 9 crocheted whales, two crocheted triceratops, several knitted frogs, and many felt animals. My own bears (designed and hand stitched by me) started selling really well in my shop, so I even started making them again too. I also made a ton of pumpkins and also crocheted a cardigan and a jumper!
In January, I became the editor of Small Printer, which is the magazine for the British Printing Society. My amazing team and I have produced 6 issues, and have received many compliments! It has been quite a task, fitting in the voluntary work around trying to earn a living, but it has been fun!
And finally, with the help of Lucja Fratczak-Kay, my amazing friend and fabulous artist, I designed a witchy bullet journal, which only went live on xmas eve, so if you like bujos, have adhd and are witchy, go grab a copy! (Bujo of Shadows)
I also got to spend time with my favourite people, and favourite doggo, though probably not nearly enough time.
I have many plans for 2024, hope to share them with you on here soon!
Merry Christmas!
A quick edit to add that I also helped to plant, weed, and water our veggie garden this year, where we successfully grew lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, beetroot, beans, kale, radishes and potatoes! Pulling up potatoes was an excellent dopamine hit!
Over the last couple of years, I started a podcast where I would record my ramblings while actually rambling through the woods with my doggo. I would just hit record and talk about whatever came to mind, hoping a topic would emerge.
Which is pretty much what I’m doing in this blog post!
I am actually walking in the woods right now, it’s way too early to be out but Chouli was keen for once (she’s not a morning dog!) So we are in the woods, listening to the morning birdsong, talking to random dog walkers.
It’s not as easy to write this as it is to record a podcast, but I am determined to blog more, so here we are!
I had a great conversation with a guy yesterday who helped me to get some of my marketing mojo back (he clearly loves it, unlike me!) and one of the things we discussed was how important location is. That depending on where you grow up, your success in certain careers may be limited. That unless you surround yourself with people who are doing what you want to do, then it’s difficult to succeed. The example that comes to mind is Ed Sheeran. He wanted to sing, so he hung out at gigs, then started gigging, and he made sure he was in the right places to learn, to grow, to improve and to hone his craft that he loved. He literally put himself in the way of greatness. He didn’t stay at home, hoping and dreaming and wishing that maybe one day, someone would find him and make him a star.
Which I can confirm is not the route to stardom! Of course, becoming a successful author is slightly different. It’s a pretty solitary endeavour, there aren’t gigs to attend, but there are book fairs, festivals, workshops, courses, etc. The London Book Fair was an eye-opener, so many writers and publishers in one place. It was quite overwhelming, and though there was a sense of being amongst my people, there was also a sense of complete inadequacy.
Wow, a writer with imposter syndrome? How original!
It’s a weird thing, to have written books, but to not feel like an author. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t write every day, or because my books don’t pay me a living wage, or because I’m not surrounded by other authors. It may just be because authors don’t actually feel any different! Maybe they just feel like regular people who tell stories that get printed.
Hell, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman from the South Wales valleys, where dreams were simply not catered for.
But whatever the reason, it’s no excuse. Because I have written books, and I have amazing readers waiting for the next ones, and they don’t care if I feel like a real author or not, they just want the next story.
So all of that ramble to say, I plan to get writing, and thanks to that chat yesterday, I feel like I’ve got some of my marketing mojo back too. So be prepared, if you’re on my mailing list or social media, you may be seeing a lot more of me!
So last year, (how was it that long ago?!) I started blogging again, determined to get back into writing posts regularly, and strengthening my writing muscles while connecting with you, my readers.
But somehow, it’s been nearly a year since my last post. What the actual?
To be fair, it’s been very busy, I have published several more books for clients, become a step-grandma, moved my print studio and opened a shop, and published book 3 in my children’s series, The Magical Dragon Mirror.
So it’s not like I’ve been particularly lazy, but goodness, I wish I could stick to the things I’ve decided to do!
But I have also filled my time with random shit that I didn’t need to be doing, like scrolling insta, watching reels, and zoning out in front of Netflix/prime/disney. I once had an app on my phone that calculated how much time I spent on apps. I worked out that in one month, I wasted the equivelant amount of time that I could have written 150k words.
My whole life, I have thought that I was just a bit crap with making good habits, with sticking with things (I’m most definitely a quitter) and then, thanks to my hours and hours of scrolling, I started to realise that actually, the likelihood is that I have ADHD.
Now I’m not a label fan, and I’m not rushing to get an official diagnosis (nothing against it, just not something that would help or benefit me personally) but the realisation and the understanding of the underlying reasons for certain behaviours has helped me immensely. Mainly with just being a bit kinder to myself. I’ve also stepped up my supplement game and found that I’m not quite so exhausted, and I can recognise the approaching burnout and rest before I get ill.
I have gone through periods of anger and mourning. Anger that no one ever saw it, including me. Yet when I say it to people I know, their response is ‘well of course!’ And mourning for all the lost potential, and for the support that I could have had, that might have meant my finances weren’t such an atrocious mess for so long.
But then, the flip side is that not knowing meant that I pushed myself harder to do the things I found so difficult. I set deadlines and wrote whole novels. I completed projects after the initial dopamine hit wore off. I pushed through the tiredness and exhaustion. So, in essence, I got things done that many with ADHD cannot.
Because I assumed I was a regular human with a terrible memory and little sticking power, so I had to override these things. Now there’s a reason for it, I do find myself not pushing so hard, so of course, things don’t get done.
I’m still learning so much about myself, still learning the ways that work for me, how to best take care of myself, and how to not annoy the people around me. But I know that the label won’t do anything for me other than help my understanding of how I approach life, and how I interact with the world.
So I’m not going to promise to write this thing regularly, because I hate breaking promises, even though I seem to do it a lot.
And I’m not going to say that book 11 is coming soon, or the six other books I want to write. To be honest, I’m just doing my very best to keep creating an income, keep surviving, and not burn out. So, really, any content I create is a bonus, because honestly? Writing has not been a lucrative thing for me. I don’t make my living from it. In fact, it’s probably cost me more than it has made.
Of course, that’s because I suck at marketing and find it completely impossible to do anything consistently, which I think I’ve demonstrated with this blog!
So if you want to read more of what I write, please buy my books, if you already own them, buy them as gifts! Or you can just chuck me a few quid to paypal.me/theamethystangel
Or if you live near Hereford, pop to my new shop and buy some cards. Would love to see you! My insta is @wishyouwerehere.store
So that was a bit of a rambling info dump, but hey, welcome back to my blog! There may or may not be another new post soon.
Just in case no one has told you this recently. Xx
It’s been a long time since I did NaNoWriMo properly, or have actually won it. But considering all the books waiting for me to write them, I figured it was about time.
So I’ve done it. I’ve signed up to NaNo 2022, and I plan to get book 11 written by the 30th November. It’s day one, I’ve written 1242 words, it is riddled with typos and other issues, but it has begun.
I feel it is likely I will regret announcing this, but seeing as I said book 11 was ‘coming soon’ about 18 months ago, I know I owe it to my readers to get my butt into gear and get it written. Because the story is ready.
So three years ago, I filmed and released the episode below of Season 2 EarthAngelTV, about how we were ‘reality hopping’ and how a circle of friends and I had set the intention to merge realities so that we each became whole beings again.
Well we have been doing a considerable amount of hopping again in the last couple of years, and looking back, I think we only had a few months of the single reality before it split again into a number of realities.
The shifting/hopping has increased in speed of late, with sometimes several shifts a day, and it’s quite interesting to see the effects of this, but it also causes something of a headache! So if you’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts lately, you may be feeling the effects of the many shifts, and the fragmenting of your energy.
Remember to stay grounded, being barefoot on the grass helps, as does imagining root coming out of your feet and anchoring you to the Earth.
Have you noticed the shifts? What’s your view on reality hopping?
Twin Flame Blog 